Just Another Person Talking

Train station

2012-02-13T08:59:00.001-08:00

This morning I had a hard time getting up. I wasn't able to make breakfast nor lunch for my wife and she left for work with empty stomach. I am way past feeling guilty, and all I feel is numbness.

I managed to drive my wife to work the train station this morning. But I have not left the station yet. I just don't want to move. I don't really want to type either. I haven't really moved my body since I said goodbye to her.

From my car, I can see a lot of things. I see people rushing to the station, giving goodbye kisses to their significant others, talking on the phone, waiting, listening to the music, begging for money, shouting, drinking coffee... Driving a really nice car, diving a really messed up car, parking the car really far away from the curb.... Wearing dirty clothes covered with paint and dirt, wearing a suit, wearing a thick jacket, wearing a hat, wearing gloves.

All these people, are going somewhere today. And I just felt this strange feeling where everything seemed clear. This is living. I don't know how to express this feeling but I felt like this is how "living" looks like. And I am living too. Just depressed, sitting in the car, writing a blog just parked at the passenger drop off area.

I am kind of in people's way, and this neighborhood is pretty bad, so I should get going. I need to move. I got lots of stuff to do today.

New Cycle

2012-01-28T16:02:00.000-08:00

Due to recent marital issue, I have really fallen into depression again. We have always had relationship problems but it seems to be getting more and more painful each time.

Going through the downfall again, I can really remember why I worked so hard to try to get out of it. I remember this feeling of cloudiness and numbness. But! one thing that is different from before is that I do not have the want to harm myself in anyway. I think this is an outcome of hours and hours of therapy and probably medication as well.

Hmm.. Maybe I should start seeing a psychologist again before things get bad. This is why I like writing. I can think logically. Money is tight but I will figure it out. I need to. My wife and I moved to a new state so this means I need to find a psychologist that works well with me again.

It is unfortunate that I am going through this down phase again but at least I can expect what is coming. I also have more knowledge about the disorder and can give it a fair fight.

Bring it on.

I like feeling good but...

2011-03-13T00:35:00.000-08:00

Now that I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I feel like feeling good is a scary thing too. I notice now, more than ever, that I crash after I have some period of happy/too-much-energy time. And these past few weeks, I have been feeling a lot of hopelessness and lack of motivation. Initially, when I found out that I have Bipolar, I was actually really happy. I felt like I have found the cause of my struggle. I felt like it explained some of the things that I experienced. But that happiness was short lived. I was back to reality again and this time I had to approach my condition from a new perspective. I lost a little bit of the confidence that I have worked hard to build up. I was in this phase where I was numb and slow and didn't want to feel.

BUT I think the jogging helped! It took a couple of days, but now I'm starting to feel good again. Good about myself. Good about my art. I really have to work on my mental health. My view on everything become positive when I am well.

Went jogging yesterday

2011-03-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

I finally went jogging yesterday. I have been meaning to go for like a couple of weeks. I went with my wife. We both need exercise in our lives but, you know, it's so hard to fit it in your schedule. The jog was really nice. We both felt so good afterwards. I want to keep this up.

I have been feeling down for the past few days. Hopefully, this jog will help me bring me up to the top again. When I am feeling down or depressed, I see everything negatively. So I really want to get out of it as quickly as I can. I am also working on my social anxiety. My wife and I go drinking with these two new friends almost every week now. It is really fun.

Depression, and What It's About

2011-03-01T15:05:00.000-08:00

Depression is so hard to deal with. It sneaks up on you, and before you know it you have been feeling low for the past couple of weeks. There is a lot that can be done to fight depression, and when you are in a critical situation, you should probably do all of the things you can do to fight it. BUT! It's easily said then it's done. When you are depressed, your body feels heavier and there is no hope or motivation. How can a person who can't keep anything together fight depression?

Once in a while, I encounter people who really doesn't know much about depression, and implies that it's just pure laziness that I can not get the stuff done on time or get up in the morning. The truth is, it's not laziness, and we can't just snap out of it. It's a type of mood disorder that needs professional medical attention.

I have made a significant improvement with my depression over the last few years. and my very first step was seeking professional help from a psychologist. From then on it was about learning about the disorder, sticking to the plan and patience. That's just it.

It is difficult for us to get up and wash the dishes or do the laundry or do anything. and we know it's not possible to just snap out of this negative attitude and low energy miserable lifestyle. But we can not use depression as an excuse anymore. Set a realistic goal for yourself, like I am going to start (but not finish) washing the dishes today, If you can do at least one thing that you should be doing that you don't feel like doing in a day, you are already walking on the road to recovery.

Blah, blah, blah... I just wanted to get some stuff out. sorry about the bad grammar and everything

Banana bread, milk and blogging

2011-02-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

Good morning my fellow readers,
Today I woke up and I felt the need to blog. So I am eating my breakfast and blogging. I actually have to get ready to go to work in 10 mins. So I will be typing super fast. Typing fast can be a good thing because I may be able to let out my truest feeling inside me. So here it goes.

I declare war again. My war against depression. I admit it. My brain has been slow for the past week since my wife went to Paris (for vacation). Everything is in a fog, and I noticed in the last therapy session, I was having some serious concentration problem. I could not remember a LOT of stuff, and it was awakening for me. I felt like ohhh I have let myself get to this level again. I still have relatively high energy level, and have positive attitude. and I am very happy. But I think that can change very easily if I keep going the way I am going right now. So I felt a strong need to blog this morning to jot down what I am feeling and what I am going through. So that its not so much a fog anymore. It's concrete. It's real. Depression is back here again, and I am going to work a little harder than I have been lately.

I have found out something new about myself recently. I have bipolar disorder. It took us a long time to figure this one out because I am completely a different person in the house and outside the house. So my psychologist didn't see the manic in me. But I do have this side in me where I am very restless, saying things repeatedly, jumping up and down, dancing around, etc... and then I crash most of the time. We are still looking into this so I will probably be writing about it in detail in the future.

Anyway, time is up. Just a quick blog but I felt like I got some good stuff out.
Thanks for reading.

Overall Happy Overall Sad...

2011-02-04T23:08:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! It's been a while..

Right now I am feeling okay. I have been doing much better recently but today I do have this sadness feeling a little bit. I am feeling like I can't really tell if I am happy or sad. It's like I can be both or neither.

I have been out of depression for at least a few months I think. And I am doing much better with controlling my social anxiety. I accomplished a lot of big things lately, like being able to chat with my boss like a normal person.

I think my sadness or emptiness feeling comes from me getting involved in thinking too much again. My wife and I were doing so great that we started making plans for our near future again. We decided to get back to our original plan to move out of this state, and go to San Francisco. And I think I am getting worried by this idea and anxious too.

well, my psychiatrist said that making plans for the future means that I became more positive about life so that's an improvement. I think so too. I just have to keep doing what I am doing.

How is everyone doing?

Natural pills for anxiety/stress/insomnia

2011-01-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

How's everyone doing?
I have actually been feeling pretty good recently. Maybe part of it is because my depressed brother is gone home for the winter vacation. But I also have been trying pretty hard to stay on top of things. I have been making sculptures a lot recently. This wouldn't have been possible half a year ago as it would've brought too much anxiety. So I wanted to talk about this pill that I am taking. Its called Theanine and its good for anxiety and insomnia and stuff like that. It really works for me. I tried Passiflora (Passion flower) pills for a few weeks too but Theanine works better for me. These are both natural pills that were recommended by my psychiatrist. I used to take Lorazepam for my anxiety, but I think it made me difficult to concentrate. It helped too but I wanted something that is natural.

Some reasons why I prefer natural pills are: I think there is no side effects or maybe less side effects than non-natural pills. It's not a prescription pill so I can buy it at a grocery stores. And being an artist, I am not always going to have health insurance (because I won't have a full-time job) so non-prescription pills will be nice. I don't have to see a psychiatrist to obtain one. And so on...

so theanine is a substance in green tea that has calming effect. The pill allows you to consume concentrated amount of theanine and not the caffeine in green tea!!! So it's really no harm to your body. And I have been taking it for a few weeks now and I like it the best out of all the things i've taken. I take two pills two times/three times a day. It really helps with those times when I am facing interaction with group of people or anything that gives overwhelming amount of anxiety.

I have accomplished a lot of things with the help of this pill, and to tell you the truth, I'm starting to gain confidence in the stuff I wasn't confident about. Yay!

DON'T secretly like being depressed.

2010-12-15T16:41:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I used to like the feeling of being depressed a little bit. I used to like feeling sorry for myself or having a reason to feel sorry for myself. Feeling depressed or sad was almost comfortable in a way because I know things can't get worst than that.

But lets face it. Lets face the reality and have more positive attitude towards life. That's what I tell myself all the time

I have to believe in myself more....

2010-12-11T01:29:00.001-08:00

I was reading a blog from this person called Mr. Shy and Timid. He's also an artist. And he was talking about how he self-doubt his art. Reading it reminded me that I've actually been not confident about my artwork recently. I went to this art show in town few days ago to find out that people I know had some new artworks made, and I didn't put anything in that show. I felt that they were working hard and they are doing good. I felt that I have to work harder than I am doing. But I really can't work any harder than this because I am maxed out on my capabilities. I'm working my hardest. It's probably not a lot of stuff that I am producing but hey I have depression!!! It's pretty hard to do anything when you are depressed, right?

I should be proud of what I make though. My stuff is very different from what people around me are making. They are making vases and stuff. I am more abstract. The reaction that I usually get when people first see my work is "Wow! What is that???" I think. I feel like it takes time for people to start to appreciate my artwork.

My sister in law who, knows my art very well, is one who appreciates my work. She bought two pieces of my work through this exhibition that I entered. It was very touching. She just started working, and I know how tough her financial situation is. And for her to spend that much money to buy my work is a great compliment. I wished more people would buy my work. It is just difficult to keep believing in myself when no one buys my sculptural pieces.

My wife tells me I'm talented. And a lot of people in the university told me how talented I am. I just want some kind of concrete result like someone buying a big piece, or getting a commission, or being entered into a major museum/gallery. I guess I have to apply to that stuff first to get results though. I just don't have enough new work right now. So I am building up my portfolio. But it takes so long to make stuff for me! I am getting frustrated.

Haaa.. Actually blogging about it helped a lot. I just wanted to get it out of me. I think my art is still a tough topic for me.

A lot of Depressed People are Nice People...

2010-12-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

I came across this statement that a lot of depressed people tend to be nice people (on some random website when I was researching about depression). Maybe because they can sympathize for other people? I'm not sure if this statement is true. Like, I do know a lot of people who are depressed who are nice (and just sad people) but I do know some people who are just jerks because they are frustrated people. What do you think?

Anyway, what this led me to thinking was that perhaps nice people tend to get depressed..??? I think people who are nice invest a lot emotionally to people around them, and I think people like that are easier to get affected by depression. Like, I used to be this kid who smiles all the time to everyone and nice to pretty much everyone, and it is exhausting to be that person. I want to keep being a nice person in heart, but minus the depression.

Like, my brother always asks me for help. He is suicidal and depressed. And I pretty much helped him and babied him until now. But I want to change that. I think it is very possible to love someone very deeply and to want to stay away from that person for my own health's sake and my wife's sake. I love him deeply, and I wish all the best for him, but I just can not let him drag me around on his daily emotional roller coaster. I was getting better with my depression before he came back into my life. I have to keep him out of my life as much as it is necessary. It is very hard to say "No, I can't help you" or "No, I can't see you today" or "No, I can't talk with you" to make his life easier. But I HAVE to do it! I can not get better without doing this. Remember! Your health is number one on the priority list. If you are depressed, you can't help anybody else either. This is a big step for me. But I am going to try to be that nice person who has his own life, and can't help other people too much, but just has a nice heart. I think I can be that person eventually... if I try hard.

Today's Blogger of Note is...???

2010-12-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's me! My blog is being featured today at Words of Wisdom (WOW). WOW is this cool site that I found out through my follower/reader's blog. They introduce people's blogs that has good content. And today's Blogger of Note is me!!

For those of you who are visiting through the WOW site, I have created the About Me site recently so you can catch up with the rest of my readers who have been here for a while. Also, I think other people might like to read that page because I posted my picture there for the first time! Now everyone can have an idea of who they are talking to. And here are my three personal favorite blog posts to give you just a taste of what my blog looks like:

"have my wife push me off the bed"
"save that last bite for tomorrow morning"
"discover the hidden anxiety and tackle it little by little"

Thanks for visiting my blog. Hope you like what you read. and be sure to leave a comment. Just say that you read it if you don't have anything to say. It makes me happy. Its no secret that I check for my comments about 3 to 5 times a day!! Hahaha.. Get a life.

Can't Sleeep!!!

2010-12-07T07:16:00.000-08:00

Oh my god. I can't sleep. It's 5am and my alarm is about to go off at 7am. Shoot, I should just give up trying to sleep. I have a full day of work tomorrow at my friend's house helping him make art. Tomorrow is going to be tough. Insomnia is like a big trigger for depression. I know it. but I just can't go to sleep. I tried the meditation thing. closed my eyes for like three hours. But I have this slight headache and it's bothering me, and I can't go to sleep.

Maybe it's because I tried the Passion Flower pill instead of my usual insomnia/anxiety pill last night (my psychiatrist told me to try it). or maybe it's because I spent about 800 dollars of my precious saving money on buying tools online right before going to bed.

Dear World.

2010-12-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

Dear World,
I am just another person trying to do his best at living. I have problems just like each and every one of you. We are all human beings and we all get stressed out sometimes.

I have been suffering from depression and social anxiety from a very young age. I am fighting to overcome it through therapy, medication, marriage counseling and a whole lot of effort on my end. Sometimes my hard work pays off and I can overcome depression for a while, and other times I relapse and fall back into having low days. But I can say that I am making progress slowly, and I have come a long way from the time when I thought about ending my life on a daily basis.

We are always filled with so many different emotions. Those emotions can be hard to deal with, and also it can bring meaning to our lives. I have recently discovered how much of my life has been (and is being) controlled by my fear. And I would like to ask you, my world, not to scare me any more, and to give me courage to stay hopeful about my life.

This is my wife.

2010-12-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

She said I can post this picture, so I decided to do it. I'm not really ready to post a pic of me so that's going to be later. I am so lucky to be her husband. She has curly hair now. She is from New York.

We are interracial couple, Asian me and Black her. I just want to brag about her, I will be honest.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

If you want to read more of me bragging about her, please read my past blog post, Interracial Couple

Yay! I'm feeling pretty good right now.

My Mood isn't So Great

2010-11-30T18:16:00.000-08:00

Depression, depression, depression. When is it going to go away?
I haven't done anything productive today. Well, I cooked for my wife.

The feeling of guilt has come back. I feel guilty for having my wife work for both of us. I feel powerless and hopeless. I am taking anti-depressant everyday and anxiety medication. and I'm not even working a full-time job. I should be feeling great.

I am angry today because my life just frustrates me. I have everything I want. I have a beautiful wife. And still I am feeling empty and miserable like this.

Sorry.. for being so negative. I know I will be back on my feet again soon.

Was my dad an abusive father?

2010-11-30T01:12:00.001-08:00

I met my wife and I began to have different insights on things that I was so sure about.

I always thought that I had a perfect childhood with a perfect family. My parents never argued (or never did their arguments when me and my brother were around). They were and still are such an understanding people. Everyone in my family love each other very much, and all of us know that. I grew up doing lots of happy weekend family activities.

In last week's marriage counselling (oh yah, we started this recently, and I will write about it in the future), I brought up my memory of my father hitting me on my face and being a short-tempered dad. And as the session progressed, the way my counselor and my wife spoke made it sound like I grew up having a history of abuse. Well, yes, my dad had a bad temper and he hit me occasionally, and I was pretty much always terrified of him in the back of my mind, but I never thought that I grew up being abused. Me and abused??? I really didn't think that I was abused. Until right now, things kind of got straightened up in my brain slowly and I am starting to realize that my dad was abusive.

Maybe he didn't get physical too often, but he just had this stare that he would do when he was mad. And that's all that he needed to do to crumble whatever I had in my heart. It definitely felt like it was the end of the world when he did that. Yah, that shit was pretty heavy on me and my younger brother. His look, oh so terrifying. My hold body instantly became really heavy, and I felt really numb. My face usually felt hotter than usual, probably because I had all these mixed emotion within me but I didn't have a way of expressing it.

Oh wow. I have lived 24 years in this world, and I didn't know that I was abused when I was a child. That's a HUGE thing to find out.

A kid on father's emotional ride.

2010-11-26T14:44:00.001-08:00

In this week's counseling session, I found out that I don't deal with the feeling of anger well enough. I have a lot of things that triggers anger. I would like to share one of them today.

I become more angry person when I am driving. I curse, I drive like a crazy mad person, I get irretable. So I was thinking why this could be.

One of the reason can be because it's just human nature to be more expressive like this in a protected environment. I think that vehicle serves as a protective barrier so I feel more empowered to express my anger at other drivers or pedestrians who are not behaving in the way that I want. Basically, I feel like I can get away with doing stuff in the car because I am protected in the car.

Another reson could be because I have been the passenger of other drivers who express anger more when driving. My main man that I want to blame is my father. He definitely has a temper problem. And it gets worst when he is driving I think. He does wreckless driving. Speeds up so fast to pass a slow car. Drive up to a slow car really close to them so that they feel pressured to go faster. I realised that I am a victim of his irresponsible emotional ride. And I was scared and also mad at him (secretly) for doing that to other members of the family who are volnerable to his mad driving and who wouldn't dare to say anything to such a scary and intimidating character. I feel like part of me thought it was cool to drive like that, and part of me was angry that he did that kind of driving. And I didn't want this harassing to end. I wanted other people to feel scared of my driving too. Because I was scared as a kid. I was a helpless kid who couldn't do anything but to endure the fear. Now I am tall and big and an adult, I can do this to other people too. (so sorry to my wife who is the primary victim of this). It wouldn't be fair it this harassment ended and other people didn't suffer the same way I suffered when I was a kid.

That's what I felt I think, unconsciously. And I figured it out on my own! I'm proud.

Toxic People

2010-11-26T14:39:00.000-08:00

Hi. This is Just Another Person's wife again..today I just wanted to write about toxic people (writing about my past was very hard for me, and I'm not quite sure when I will be able to finish that but hopefully soon).

We have all had toxic people in our lives; they are draining (physically, emotionally, financially...), make you depressed, angry, or tired whenever they are around, they know just what to say or do to make you feel terrible, worthless, or guilty in order to manipulate you, they do more harm than good and take more than they give. Whether it is a boss, classmate, friend or family-member, sometimes its hard to recognise these people as toxic, and it is sometimes even harder to do something about it.

Being abused for most of my life had made it quite difficult for me to recognise toxicity in a relationship. I would let subtle and even not so subtle things go by as long as it was not out-right abuse (such as violence or name calling). I wasn't even sure that I deserved better, I think. But eventually, as I became healthier-I realised that toxic people have no place in my life.

My husband used to be a toxic person. He would make me feel bad about myself, lie to me, get angry at me when I called him on his BS and try to turn it on me, he treated me like I was the least important person in the world. My (fragile) self-esteem took a dive after being with him-but I did not realize that he was the problem. I would wonder what was wrong with me and try to change-but nothing seemed to work. I love him so much- he was the first person who treated me well sometimes so I thought that it was ok when he did not. But after about a year of self loathing, tears and begging him to treat me better-I became angry. Something in me was tired of being the victim, tired of hating myself and tired of being mistreated. I took a long, hard look at myself and at him and I decided that he was the real problem. That is when we began to have long arguments-I became the aggressor and forced him to face himself (but I also became toxic to him during this process, which is something that I eventually had to change about myself). I think he hated me for doing that to him and I hated him for what he did to me. We really did love each other though, which is ultimately why we stayed together.

There were several reasons for the toxicity in our relationship. We both came from dysfunctional families and did not know what a good relationship looked like. We had to carve our own mold, with a lot of blood, sweat ant tears (and counselling). We were young and immature (especially him). He suffers from major depression and anxiety. I have PTSD. The list goes on...

I am glad to say that we are no longer in a toxic relationship. We overcame most of our problems with a lot of hard work (which took years) and dedication to each other. We still go to couples counselling to work out the remaining kinks in our relationship, but overall we are doing great. We have respect for each other and for the relationship and even through it all, I am glad that he is mine.

My husband had many toxic friendships when we met. Some of these friendships were toxic to the relationship as well. I had to issue ultimatums, and eventually we are rid of those people (for the most part). However, he has some friends from high school that are just completely toxic, but he is having a hard time letting go of them.

In high school, his depression and anxiety was really terrible. He could not make friends so he just became friends with anyone who would talk to him. There were three guys who were is "best friends" in school. When I met them for the first time, I was disturbed. They were complete losers. They are perverted, creepy and very immature. They seemed like parasites. My husband later told me that he doesn't even like them but they were the only people who befriended him in school-so he felt like he had to maintain a friendship with them. Luckily they live in his home country-so it was easy to maintain a distant friendship without causing too much damage.

The incident that completely convinced me that they were toxic happened when he went back to his parents' house during a school break. He went back for a week and of course that meant meeting up with the toxic crew. He called me one night and he was really upset. His so called friends were threatening to post a video of them assaulting my husband online. (I'm not sure how my husband would feel about me revealing the contents of the video, but it is really mean and disturbing). I was horrified that he was friends with people who would do something like that to him, videotape it and save the video as a means of humiliating him. I told my husband how I felt and he agreed that they were not good people and I convinced him that he does not deserve that kind of treatment. He divided that he no longer wanted to be friends with them.

I suggested that he write an email explain that he no longer wishes to be friends with them and to explain why-but he said that he doesn't have the strength to do that. He decided that he would just ignore them until they get the point. But the thing is-they are not getting the point. After over a year of ignoring emails, facebook posts, messages passed through his brother..they still don't understand that he does not want to deal with them. He just got an email from one of them today and I think that they are wearing him down. I hope he doesn't give in, but I am worried that he will..

My husband's family is also a very toxic element in his and our life..more to come on that...

Life Report

2010-11-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

I have been fighting depression for a while now. 5 months ago, my depression was pretty severe to the point where I was suicidal everyday, and my social anxiety was at its worst condition where I was afraid to go outside. Working retail in that kind of mental state was disastrous. My life was a Chaos.

My wife is a very understanding kind person. She offered to work for both of us so that I can take time off to focus on my mental health. So 5 months ago, I ended my full-time job as a sales person, and just became a jobless househusband. It was around that time when I said to myself "okay, This is it. I don't want any of this shit anymore" and started being really really serious about taking care of my health. My wife got a great new job which provided us with financial stability as well as health insurance coverage for myself as an added member.

With my wife's health insurance, I was able to afford to schedule weekly sessions with my psychologist, as well as continuation of my prescribed medication for depression and anxiety. I worked really really hard. Having no job allowed me more time to get myself together. And I learnt many great little tricks I can to do fight depression (I share them through my My Coping Skill and My Dos and Donts section of my blog) And what a huge progress I made!! After about two months of hard work, I think I was depression free for like few months straight! My life was so good. Eventhough I had to do a lot everyday to stay on top of things, I was happy to do them for me and for my dearest wife. My wife and I did not have a single fight during that time, and the time was just so magical.

This whole experience of recovering from depression was a new feeling for me because I have been depressed for the longest time. and it sure did give me hope! and I was energized. I was full of excitement and emotions, and I was filled with willingness to do things.

Things started declining when I found out that my younger brother who came to the US for college this semester is cutting himself. Although I think that I handled the news really well, I could not help myself from feeling worried about him. I no longer have the feeling of guilt for not providing him enough support. I worked through that issue with my therapist and I am keeping up with it. But that feeling of worry was there. and as things got worst and worst with my brother, my feeling of worry gained power. And before I knew it, it was taking control of my life again and so did my beautiful wife's life. And as of right now, I declare war! again.. war against my depression. Now I am at this point where I think I am no longer depression free. I am actually mildly depressed, and I know how quickly things can worsen.

So I am going to take things easier than usual again. Get my priority straight. Sure its christmas time, and there is a huge art sale coming up. It is going to be a great money making opportunity, and I have these thanksgiving holidays to immense in the making of my work. But money is not the biggest issue right now. My art making is not the biggest issue right now.
My biggest issue right now is ME. and then comes my relationship with my wife. then my brother's health, then my art.

So I am going to switch back to my full time taking care of myself schedule and see if that will do any better.

goodluck with everyone too!! I know your lives are as hard as mine or even harder.
keep fighting.....

Being Chased 24/7

2010-11-24T03:54:00.001-08:00

By distracting myself, I get a temporary relieve from depression. But sometimes I reach a point where I have to keep doing stuff to keep distracting myself from the feeling of depression. That's like my life. I feel like I am constantly being chased by my fear. And when I wake up in the morning, I want to start doing stuff right away to get started on distracting myself. My wife usually wants to sleep longer than I do. And since we live in a studio, I can't go to another room or anything. I usually try to stay still so that she can get more sleep. Honestly, that time is pretty brutal for me. It's like I can't do anything to distract myself.

This week wasn't so hot for me. There was tension between me and my wife, and my brother is being dramatic again. My emotional health isn't at it's best, and I'm trying to do art on top of everything.

Why can't things go smooth? Argh.. I really should get back on doing my daily walks again because I think it helped a lot before.

Waking Up at Dusk..

2010-11-22T02:48:00.000-08:00

I was feeling pretty down today. Dealing with my brother and a small/medium fight with my wife I had this morning just made me fade out of my world. I did really wake up in the morning but after that fight we had, I just fell right back to sleep.
Even when I was awake, my mind was not there. I didn't want to feel anything. And it wasn't until like 8pm, when I started realizing that I was awake. Right now it's almost 1am, and I feel like my day just got started and it's already the end of it.

Oh well, I am grateful that at least the last part of my day was productive. And I can recover faster than before.

Goodnight my fellow bloggers

My "I Think I am Well" Phase

2010-11-20T12:39:00.001-08:00

I am in this weird stage where I am recovering from depression and often times it's hard to tell whether I am depressed or just normal. I guess I don't exactly know how it feels to be completely out of depression. I'm having a hard time expressing myself right now because this feeling of getting out of depression is new for me. I'm going to throw out some words to describe what I'm feeling:

Doubt, disbelief, numb, okay, better, somewhat, light, grey, new, unstable, happy, thinking, worry, surreal, awake, tired, lazy, recovering, confused, conscious, forward, living, hydrated, fueled, heavy, calm, depressed, pain, afraid, slow, dream, weird, stir, now........

I don't know if that said anything but I feel like I got my emotion out so that's good. Oh by the way, I noticed something while I was throwing out words.. How the hell can I be happy and depressed at the same time? It totally makes sense but it doesn't. That's why it feels surreal I guess. Argh! This feeling is so weird. I can't even decide if I like it or dislike it. But I guess I'm happy to be able to put words like happy and better on the list. I am definitely better compared to where I was few months ago.

I admit. I have been lazy lately and skipping my daily walk. And I haven't been blogging much. I should do both. And keep up with everything. I can't just assume that I got better and stop my routine because I'm sure that will bring me back to depression fast.

Midnight blogger

2010-11-19T03:34:00.001-08:00

It's 1am. And I am just starting to write this post. I should be sleeping but today was just a lazy day for me. I slept during the day so I'm not sleepy. I have been very lazy these days. I feel too lazy to blog, go on a walk and all the other stuff that I promised myself that I'm going to do. I do a lot to stay out of depression. And I still relapse because life is just so hard sometimes.

Few weeks ago, I wrote that I am going to jog everyday at least 20 mins. Well, I did it for a day and I was already tired. Sometimes setting too high goal can mess up stuff. It was a lot better when I did 20 min daily walk. And now I find myself even skipping my walk.

I learnt that being an overachiever isn't good for my depression. I stopped limiting my time for working on my art. And now I have several projects going on at the same time. I should chill a little bit. I'm feeling tired this week so maybe I shouldn't do art this weekend. When I get too involved with stuff, I get depressed. I am a person with a strong will and perceverance. I hate to say I can not do it and I hate being lazy. I think that's why I have depression. When I overwork, my depression takes control of my body. I feel numb all around and I feel like I am dis-abled to work/move. I think this is a way for my body to speak and tell me that it can't take anymore.

When I am depressed, it shows in my cooking. Like, today's dinner was defrosted peas and rice. Now that's lame. Why would I give that to my wife whos been working 40 hours a week to support our family? Gosh, I feel so guilty. But when my body shuts down, even washing a fork takes like 15 mins. Everything takes like 20 times more effort than usual. Picking up a bag of peas is like doing weightlifting right after you wake up at like 3am. So today's peas and rice was as hard as making a full course dinner with desert.

Oh well. I better get to sleep before I become a day-after-blogger.

My day today.

2010-11-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

I have been working hard lately. For myself, for my wife and for my brother. And honestly, I am tired. So I have decided to give myself the rest of today to just enjoy and do whatever I want to do. I am not going to text or call my depressed brother to see how he is doing, and how his first appointment with his new therapist went.

I am going to turn off my cell for the rest of the day until I go pick up my wife. I need to be happy. Otherwise I won't have room for anything. I can not make anybody else happy if I'm not happy.

I am at the beach now. The sun went down. It was pretty. I feel like I am finally ready to start my day today. Now, that's sad. Because I love sunshine. Oh well, hopefully I can start my day earlier tomorrow.

My Talkative Psychiatrist Says..

2010-11-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

He said that doing aerobic exercise 20 mins everyday has 50% chance of overcoming depression. And with the anti-depressant medication that I am taking (called Celexa or Citalophram), there is about 30 to 40% chance of getting rid of depression.

So starting today. I am going to either do jogging or rollerblading minimum of 20 mins a day (or other kind of aerobic exercise). Or I will at least try to do it.

Aerobic exercise is an exercise that helps improve the oxygen system in your body. So ones that makes you out of breath and get you sweating are it! For example, jogging, swimming, cycling etc. So short distance sprinting or lifting weights fall into the anaerobic exercise category and are not the best kind of exercise for the treatment of depression.

That's what I learnt this week!
Hooray.

Thank you.

2010-11-02T02:08:00.001-07:00

I think I am over my oh-its-the-end-of-the-world stage. Just wanted to write this so that my readers can know that I'm getting back on track.

Ofcourse this can flip back to negative again depending on what my wife's mood is for the night. I need to learn how to be less dramatic. I would like to maintain my cool and keep things under control. But for now, I am pretty happy of the relatively quick recovery.

I am back on my journey again. I went rollerblading this past two nights. It's something totally new for me so it's really fun. It's nice to do something new. I think I'm going to try a lot of new things in my life. And I would like to do it just for the fun of it. Because I tend to get so involved that I always aim for the top. With rollerblading I know that anytime I can fall and embarrass myself. But for some reason putting myself into vulnerable position is refreshing and fun. Things feel new again and there is no history or memory associated with it. So I can enjoy completely.

I am reading books on foreclosure too. I will see how that will turn out. I usually don't like reading but I'm having fun so far. Other things I want to do are jazz piano, electrical guitar, wood turning, ceramics, spear fishing, diving, traveling... Oh the list can go on.

Hey! I know why I'm here in this world. I'm here to do all these things.

(and ofcourse to love and care for my beloved wife. If I forget to say this I will get scolded later on. Hahaha. Just kidding)

Oh also, on my list, is to pet random dogs who are on their walks. There are so many cute dogs. Just looking at them makes me so happy. I mostly don't bother speaking to the owner but sometimes I should

I feel numb again.

2010-10-31T20:40:00.001-07:00

I feel numb again. My arms, my brain, my eyes...all numb again. Everything seem so far away. It feels like my eyes and my brain are masked with some sort of milky color layer.

My brother is emotionally unstable right now, and that is causing an enormous amount of stress for me. And my wife is mad at me right now because I didn't make it to lunch with her, and I'm going to eat with my brother later.

She didn't want to see me. She went to work by herself. Even though I was waiting to go drop her off.

Right now, even coming to the beach and watching the sunset doesn't do much. I know I will feel better soon though. I just have to get through the tough times.

Will tough times ever end though? It seemed like things were going great for a while then I found out that my brother is pretty depressed. I made him set up an appointment with a therapist. But when is this going to end? How long is it going to take for him to get better?

Oh well, I will take it day by day.

What do I tell myself when I find out that my brother is....

2010-10-28T01:53:00.001-07:00

so depressed that he is cutting himself?

I would tell myself that I help him as much as possible, and I would tell myself that he too can fight depression on his own just like I do. I can tell myself that I make myself always available to him when he needs me. I would tell myself BE STRONG and DO NOT let this pull me back into depression again. I would remind myself that I just told my brother that he needs to think of his own health first and so I need to do the same as well. I would remind myself that I have to be well both physically and mentally in the first place in order for me to care for others. I would constantly tell myself that he is an adult and he is going to make his decision for himself.

And I would tell myself to have faith in my brother to do the right thing.

Oh My Pill...

2010-10-27T19:59:00.001-07:00

So I got into this art show, and I devoted my last weekend making stuff for the show. As some of you may already know, I experience high level of anxiety when making any kind of artwork. So on Friday (the first day of my work), I took one pill with me to the art studio so that I can take it right before I get into the making process. I had it neatly wrapped in aluminum foil and everything. So I head over to the fountain over at the studio to take my pill. And guess what? It dropped out of my mouth and fell underneath the fountain. I only took that one pill with me so I was like DAMN! But I found it quite funny so that was good. Everything turned out alright. I didn't do too well on the first day because of my anxiety but I made two things in the next two days, and I just dropped them off at the gallery just now.

My Coping Skill (Discover the Hidden Anxiety and Tackle It Little by Little)

2010-10-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

Right now, I am at Jiffy Lube taking care of oil change and maintenance for my pick-up truck. I am waiting in the office to pay for it. Suddenly, I catch myself having discomforting level of anxiety. It's not strong but it's there. So I went through in my mind "why is this happening?". I concluded that it's because I'm doing the car maintenance now. It's because I couldn't take my car to oil change for the longest time whether it's because I was broke or didn't have time or was scared to face any significant charges on my truck. I realized that I haven't opened my hood for over half a year maybe close to a year. I really can't remember the last time I did anything to my car. I'm so afraid the it will break down on me like my last car. I don't have any money to buy another one or if it has an engine problem or something, I can't pay for it. Suddenly, I remembered that everytime I get on the truck, I have slight anxiety.

I know that regular check up and maintenance can avoid major damage. And when they opened the hood, this green corrosive stuff was coming out of the battery. The guy said it can ruin the metal around it. All they had to do was clean it and spray something on it to prevent further leak. I felt like I could have done that if it wasn't for my anxiety.

So I have decided a new task for me! I am going to open the hood of my truck once a month! To prevent any major damage and to tackle my anxiety. I think this is a good plan. And maybe I could do research about car maintenance sometimes too. That would ease my anxiety. Yup, knowledge is a good side-effect free medicine for anxiety.

It's surprising how hard it can be to notice the anxiety when you have it so often.

Review of my recent life.

2010-10-18T02:15:00.001-07:00

I have been pretty depressed until four months ago when I had my full time job. I over-worked when I was studying art at the University. Didn't get enough sleep. It made my depression pretty bad. I was usually unhappy and also an emotional wreck. I think problem between my girlfriend at the time, now wife, was affecting my depression in a negative way as well. Also I developed a fear for going outside because of extreme anxiety that I got. I was emotionally and physically messed up from going to the University. I suffered from many severe depressive episodes even a year after I graduated from the University.

So until four months ago, I was working as a sales person at a gallery in the hotel. Having social anxiety and all, everyday was a big stress and full of strong anxiety. My back was hurting from stress. I wanted to jump infront of a traffic, everyday when I walk to and from my job. Weekend was not fun because I was usually attacked my even higher level of anxiety for not doing anything and thinking and worrying about junk. So my life was a chaos. And I really wanted to be out of that lifestyle. Also I didn't not want my wife to have such terrible life with me. She was even getting depressed.

So I decided four months ago that I will quit my fulltime job!!! Whoa. What a decision. At the time we both were broke. And I was worried big time of our near future. But my wife got a new job that pays much more than her previous job. And also I have insurance because of her new job so I'm seeing a talk therapist and a psychiatrist. Whoa.. It was a close one. Because my health insurance got cut off as soon as I quit my job. My therapist was so kind to do few session with me free of charge (or exchange with one of my artwork) when I didn't have insurance. We were so broke.

I made my mind when I quit my job that I will put my health the first priority and will work on my depression very seriously. So I quit making art for a few months, and I didn't do anything but go for a walk everday and do good things to my body. My body listened!!!! It's only been four months and I have to say I am making a significant change. Now I am jogging almost everyday, sometimes rollerblading (newly bought). Working on my art two full days a week. Doing house duties. Oh my god. My house is sooo clean and I rearranged the furniture. And we are eating three times a day. Super healthy food. Baked mushroom, potato. We eat beans a lot. Tofu. Fish for me. My wife is vegan. And the surprising thing is I am happy from the bottom of my heart almost everyday of the week!!! It went from none to almost all! I am so grateful.

This could not have happened without the strong support of my wife. She is so understanding. I am really lucky to have her. And also my therapist and psychiatrist and medication. And yes, I am not forgetting!!! My readers of my blog.

Thank you so much.

I rate myself 100% for my recent improvement.

DO educate myself in wide range of topics

2010-10-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

I am a socially awkward person. I experience strong sense of fear and anxiety before, during and after a social event.

This week I learnt this new technique to help reduce my sical anxiety through my new psychiatrist. It is to educate myself and familiarize myself with broader range of topics to increase my self-esteem and self confidence. I thought if I get in the habbit of finding the answer to whatever questions that may come across my mind, I will become knowledgeable in a lot more things than I am now, and will have a better chance of understanding what others are talking about and to join the conversation.

Switching my life environment from Japanese to English communtiy made me develop a sense of isolation from the others. Not understanding what they are saying was the norm for me. But now that I have sufficient level of English to communicate, I should stop ignoring things that I don't understand. And be couragous enough to ask "what does that mean" or research what they are talking about later on.

My psychiatrist told me this inspirational Chinese quote. It goes like "Knowing your ignorance is a strength, ignoring your ignorance is an illness"

I bought two books on real estate yesterday. I used to hate reading. But I am going to try reading something and studying new topic that I'm not familiar with. Hopefully in the future I can become a person with wellround knowledge, and who won't be nervous to talk about anything. And who can share opinion to other people.

DON'T be a workaholic human machine

2010-10-12T13:47:00.001-07:00

(It's been a while since I've last posted in the topic of "My Dos and Donts". For any first timers out there, this section of my blog is where I write my countless rules that I have acquired in order to keep myself from getting depressed or anxious. I find this blog very helpful for me because I can read it over and over and revise them. So it's mostly for me but I though I'd share it with other people too so that they can borrow/have my little techniques to cope with whatever problems they are going through.)

I tend to be a workaholic. But wait? What's my job again? Yes, house husband (and a tiny bit of being an artist). But yup, it's me. Again, I have managed to make myself a busy schedule these past few days. And now I am tired and irretable. So I am going to surrender for a little while and not think about all the housework that I need to do, and just do nothing like a captured man. I think I have a fear of doing nothing. Because when I have spare time, I tend to do unnecessary worrying and thinking, and that gives me overwhelming amount of anxiety. But now that I have techniques to control my anxiety, I shouldn't be afraid to take some time off for myself and just relax. Drink some hot tea. Watch some stupid TV show. Listen to some music. Alright I'm off to doing just fun relaxing stuff like that.

I beat my anxiety this weekend

2010-10-11T02:04:00.001-07:00

This weekend was awesome. I overcame my feeling of anxiety and I made one sculptural work. On friday, when I went to this opening reception, I talked to the gallery owner who represents my work. He said he wants to see what I have been making these days, and he wants to switch out my old work with new ones.

So I was a little sad from finding out that he wants my older work out of his gallery. And also extremely anxious because I don't have any good work that I can show him. I have been trying but there is nothing that is gallery ready. And everytime I try to work on my art, I get extremely anxious.

But this weekend, I concentrated on making one sculptural piece. And with the help of anxiety medication I was able to work both two days. The one that I made on the first day broke at the end. So I tried again today and it worked!

I am so exhausted but just wanted to share this feeling of fullfilment and success with everybody! Look! I was a depressed man who couldn't do anything few months ago and now I am facing my fear and doing great with it!

I have been jogging almost everyday with my wife. It's definitely giving me stamina and energy to tackle my fear. I will keep it up for sure.

I'm not here

2010-10-09T04:38:00.001-07:00

I did a great job today. I have spontaneously gone to an opening reception for this major art show around this area today, AND! we went on a night drive through our old university. Two of the most fearful thing in one day. I did great. Most likely the anxiety medication that I took in the morning helped me get through them.

The tough part is right now and the following couple of days where my racing thought gets crazy and I might get high level of anxiety or get depressed.

Right now, I feel like I am not here. My mind is just going through so many things related to art, and what art I should make starting tomorrow.

I took a shower just now to relax my body before going to sleep. And I can't remember if I washed my face. I'm pretty sure I brushed my teeth though. My racing thought is so crazy right now that I went into the shower and I didn't wash my body and came out and didn't even realize it until now. My wife talked to me while we were driving, and I tried really hard to listen to her but sometimes I noticed that I wasn't listening. I wasn't there in my body.

I really had to blog tonight before trying to go to sleep because with this much brain activity, I don't think I can get to sleep soon. And my anxiety medication ran out as of this morning.

I feel like I want to open up the piled of boxes that contain my artwork now, and start thinking about what else I can make. My wife is asleep and my mind is just so awake. I want to do stuff. I think I am excited to make something. But I am afraid that I will make something that I won't like again and get depressed.

I was just exposed to SO much stuff that I was avoiding to see, and my brain is thinking about a lot of stuff soo fast. I tried stopping but I couldn't. I wonder if I can sleep tonight.

It was a very unexpected day. But I am really proud of myself for going through with it. It was not as bad as I thought, but I am going a little crazy right now. Like my wife said, I am not controlled by my fear now and that's good. I still have a lot more fears that control me but I went over some bumps today. That's for sure.

Life at it's best

2010-10-07T15:46:00.001-07:00

These past few days has been amazing. My mood has been as good as it can get.

My wife and I started jogging since two days ago. We did an hour jog on the first day and the second day we went for a long run.

So in my previous post, I mentioned that I am changing my psychiatrist. I had the appointment with the new psychiatrist yesterday, and I really like him! He studied acupuncture in China too. And he is very much into alternative medicine like tea and vitamin supplements and stuff like that. I was really against taking anti-depressant pills at first, so I am pretty sure that he is a good fit for me. So I am going to start taking vitamin b pills and omega-3 from fish oil to help with my depression.

He is very talkative so I learnt so much stuff even on the first day. I would love to start a section in my blog where I share the stuff I leanrt from him.

He said exercise is the best prescription medication there is.

My wife and I decided that we are going to take care of our health better and run regularly. Daily walk was good for me, but I realized I needed more than walks since I am an active person.

Living with Depression part IV

2010-10-05T01:52:00.001-07:00

(This post is a continuation of the life stories of my wife. For those of you who haven't read the previous posts by her, she has gone through tough childhood living with her abusive mother. In this part of the story, she speaks of her painful memories from when she was in middle school, but this story is just a tip of the ice berg of what she really went through.)

Middle school was tough for me. My mother's great decline started at this point. Her physical appearance changed as her illness got worse. She started to look more like the monster she really was inside.

I was very lonely. I am lucky that I had a sister who is just a year younger than me. Without her I don't know if I could have survived this time. I had lots of friends but they were just school friends. I never went to their houses or they to mine. We weren't even really allowed to have friends. My mother tried to force us into isolation. We were not allowed to go outside (even just across the street) without her being present. She attended every field-trip and scrutinized our every move during our interactions with other kids. She often found falt with my behavior, citing instances such as laughing too loud on the bus, as reason to punish me when we got home.

Somehow I was able to mask the fear, pain and depression that was starting to consume me. Many people thought that I had a great life. My classmates would tell me how great my mom is, never knowing that I hated going home each day because I know that she was there. They didn't know that she called me names, hit me and worst.

One of her favorite subjects to torture me about was my acne. Pimples make you feel bad enough, but my mother made sure I hated myself. She would tease me about my skin daily. She said that I looked diseased. She wrecked my self-esteem and confidence everyday before school. I started to hate my face, I avoided mirrors at all cost and I had a hard time looking people in the eye. She even decided that my acne was my fault and decided to punish when I had break-outs.

I think she wanted me to become an outcast, wanted me to act-out, or get bad grades so that she could have another excuse to lash out at me. But I was a model student, I was on honor-role. My teachers had nothing but nice things to say about me. I think this frustrated her so she began to sabotoge my school work. Later on, her sabotoge became a lot more serious.

Too Anxious to be a Productive Member of Society

2010-10-03T19:03:00.001-07:00

Although I have been on anxiety medication for about three months now, I still experience high level of anxiety when I have to face the world. The most fearful situation for me is a social situation where there's people I know. Going to drinking parties or casual get-togethers feels just as scary as giving a speech presentation in front of a thousand people. Just writing about it now gives me anxiety.

Other things I am afraid of are:

Going to the art studio - because I have the chance of seeing someone from work and I might have to exchange a few conversation.

Shift change at work - when the new person comes into work, I might have to exchange a few conversation.

During work - I have to talk to people I know.

Dropping off/picking up my wife from work - I might have to talk to somebody.

Going outside of my house in general - I might see somebody I know and might have to say something.

Doing the laundry - we don't have washing machine at our place so we do the laundry at my step sister's place.

Going into/out of my apartment building and my step sister's building - I have to pass the security guards who usually say few things to me, and I have to say something back.

Recycling the bottles - those rough macho looking men scare me.

And many more.

I would like to feel free of anxiety. Or at least, minimize it. Because I have things I want to do. Like, make more artwork. But my anxiety is too overwhelming to do it.

I am changing my psychiatrist, so I'm hoping that will change some things in a good way.

Understanding Social Anxiety Disorder

2010-10-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have been curious about what Social Anxiety Disorder really is. This past two days I browsed through online and read a bunch of stuff.

So one new thing that I learnt was that SAD don't cause panic attacks. The discomfort feeling that people with SAD experiences is a high level of anxiety. So maybe I have never had panic attacks ever before.

One mental disorder that sounds like SAD but different is panic disorder. I read that people with panic disorder DO experience panic attacks. Panic attacks are characterized by the feeling that there is something wrong with the body, and many people go seek help to emergency service. Because they think they are having a heart attack or respitory problem.

My anxiety has been extreme but now that I read those articles, I don't feel like those feelings were panic attacks. Just misunderstanding. I have to ask my therapist too though. Even at my most extreme situation, I don't feel that I'm dying, or can't breath. It's not physical like that. It's just an extreme discomfort and I breath harder.

Also I read that seeking help from a behavioral therapy group being successful in treating SAD. So I am going to start looking around to see if there is one around here. I think it would definitely help me.

Hopes up!

Living with Depression part III

2010-10-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

So far I haven't discussed any of my feelings. I have just given you a brief overview of my childhood. Some snapshots from my life that illustrate how my mother's mental illness affected my life. Her depression along with what may be bi-polar mania or schizophrenia led to a life fraught with sadness for my family.

When I was young I was happy sometimes, sad a lot and scared all of the time. I was scared of my mother. I was scared of the people I was told wanted to kill my family (just shadows from my mother's warped mind). I was scared of getting bad grades. I was scared to grow old and turn into my mother. I am still afraid of this.

When I was around twelve years old, I became angry. I started to see my mother's lies and phantoms for what they really were. I was confused because I couldn't understand why the person who was supposed to protect me was actually doing the most harm. I was still scared or her though. She seemed inescapable. I thought of running away, but I was afraid of what would happen if I were ever found. I couldn't run to my dad's. I didn't even know where he lived. Plus, once he got tired of being a full time dad, I'm sure he would just bring me back to my mother, and things would be even worse. I began to notice depression creeping up on me.

Part of me thought, or at least hoped, that there was a shread of humanity left in her. I hoped that the sweet, loving mother that appeared during class trips or even sometimes at home, was not just an act. Maybe somewhere deep inside she cared. My last hope was to reason with her. I know that she was abused as a child and maybe she didn't realize that she was hurting us? So I mustered up some courage and asked her delicately if maybe she could benefit from counselling. This brought about a fit of rage so strong that I began to suspect that she really was a monster through and through.

Living with Depression part II

2010-10-01T01:10:00.001-07:00

I know that I ended my last post at middle school but I want to start this post about two years before that, around the time my parents became legally separated.

My memory is a bit fuzzy but starts out with my mother crying in the bathroom. Her face was dripping with (what I was told) rubbing alcohol. The police arrived shortly after I discoverd the scene and I heard her tell the officers that my father had thrown the alcohol into her face during an argument. He denied the claim, but he was arrested anyway and spent the night in jail. I was very disturbed, by this because my father was not a violent person. Although I didn't blame him for lashing out at her after years of abuse, I was disapointed in him.
Little did I know that this was part of an elaborate scheme...
One night my mother told my sister and me to pack whatever is important to us in our backpacks. I was too scared to ask where we were going. I packed my favorite stuffed animals and my pet iguana. My sister did the same. She also packed some cornbread mix. She was more pratical than I sometimes.
My mother informed us that we are in danger from my dad and we can no longer live safely at our house.
We left our home, and made a pit stop at my best-friend's house. My mother told them of the grave danger that we were in and begged them for money (she had an insatiable urge for money, but a great distain for working- this led to her cooking up many schemes to finagle money out of relatives or friends, but I digress). This was mortifying.
We took a train and met a woman in the train station. She said something like "You are safe now" and led us to our new home-a domestic violence shelter. My time there was awful. I had to change schools-to a special school for shelter kids. I just wanted to go home. My mother loved it there. Being a victim is one of her favorite pastimes.
I found out later (she confessed to my sister and me during a rare bought of remorse) that she actually threw alcohol into her own face so that she could win the custody battle after my parents got separated. Our going to a shelter was part of her plan to win control over us, as well as a sizable child-support check each month.
After the shelter got old (or maybe they found out that she was full of BS) we moved to another state. We stayed with relatives for about six months. I came home one day to packed bags. I guess were were going to move again. We moved to another state and stayed with another set of relatives. My sister almost got molested by one of them. After about another six months, we packed up again. Off to a new state and a new relative's house. My mother got us kicked out of this relative's house by flirting with a boyfriend. So, for the first time in years my mother got a job. A part time job. She rented a place and for the first time in two years we had a place of our own.
I think my mother got tired of working because after a few months, she decided that my father was no longer a threat. It was ok for us to go home.

Living with Depression (part one)

2010-09-30T23:11:00.001-07:00

Today's post is going to be a guest post by my dearest wife. She has had some rough experience too in her life (much rougher than mine). When she came home from work tonight, she told me she wants her own blog too. So I said to her why don't you do a guest post on my blog?

So here is her talking:

Living with Depression

I have been living with Depression my whole life. Whether I was suffering from the illness personally, or sharing a home with another person affected, I have never lived a day without depression.
My mother was diagnosed with post-partum depression when I was born. She was in a car-crash while carrying me, which led to my early birth and to her depression.
She refused treatment, because she believed that the doctors were conspiring against her (my mother was a victim of many a conspiracy in her lifetime).
When my younger sister was born a year later, her depression only got worse. She pretended to be a good mother whenever we were in public but she was terrifying at home.
She see-sawed between a sweet, doting mother and a violent and verbaly abusive monster. When I was young I thought her behavior was normal, sure she had a temper, but she was nice sometimes too. I knew that there was something wrong with my parents' relationship, but I didn't realize that I was also being abused.
My parents did not get along well for as long as I can remember. My father was never physically abusive to my mother, but she was the exact opposite. Even the smallest disagreement had the potential to turn into a violent brawl.
One of my earliest memories is of my mother, in a fit of rage, brandishing a kitchen knife at my father. She chased him from room to room threating to kill him. At one point she backed him into a corner, holding the kinfe dangerously close to his throat. My sister and I were in tears begging her not to hurt him. Then suddenly she just snapped out of it, dropped the knife and rushed to hug us.
My mother took a lot of her anger at my father, and her failed marriage on my sister and me. Once my mother broke my father's arm by throwing a paint can at him. After that experience, whenever she would start throwing things, that was my father's queue to leave the house for the rest of the night. With him gone we had to bear the brunt of her rage.
I do have good memories of her as well. On the weekeneds we would go to museums or the zoo. And once when I was the lead in my elementary school play she had sewn a beautiful dress for me!
But as time passed, the good times became largely outnumbered by the bad times. By the time I was in middle school, I realized there was something really wrong with mommy.

DON'T wash that one more fork before I eat...

2010-09-30T03:22:00.000-07:00

Eating is really important for me. When I am hungry, my energy level drops down significantly, and I get cranky. This is a big problem for me because this could cause a fight with my wife and have a bad rest of the day.

Dishes are pain in the neck, and they always tend to pile up. Usually they are pretty piled up that I don't have anymore clean plates or utencils to eat with. So my first step is to go wash the dishes before I can eat.

When just getting up from the bed is a big task, washing dishes and fixing something to eat is like soo hard to do. Just looking at the piled up dishes makes me feel weak, and makes me want give up life. I start to feel like a failure for not being able to do the house husband duties.

So what helps me a lot is to concentrate on just that one dish and that fork that is necessary for me to make some simple food for myself. Feeding myself is the top priority. After eating, my mood may become better! I might gain more energy. So when I approach the pile of dishes, I squint my eyes and focus my vision on the cleanest looking plate, and just worry about washing that one.

Usually this strategy helps, and I can tackle all the rest of the dishes when I am feeling energetic (with ease).

This one dish rule applies whenever I need to eat first. It's always easier to wash all the forks together because I can rinse them all at the same time. But nooo... When I catch myself getting hungry and running on low energy, I DO NOT do all the forks. I just do one. Make that food as quick as possible and maintain my energy level. Otherwise it's really hard to rise back up.

One of countless little things I do to stay on top of depression.

Afterall I wasn't so dumb..

2010-09-28T01:58:00.001-07:00

I used to wonder why I was so dumb. Why I was such a failure. Why I couldn't do things that other people can do. Why my memory is so bad. Why I can't concentrate. I found the answer to those questions. It's depression.

Yup, afterall I wasn't such a dumb person. There is different kinds of intelligence, I learnt (like a couple of years ago through therapy session). I don't remember the detail but I got the gist of it. There are smart people who are just good at studies, or people who are creative (artistically intelligent??), or people who are more aware of their emotions (emotional intelligence??) and so on. I am definitely on the creative smart side and not book smart side. As you can probably tell from the way I write. I felt happy to know that creativity is a kind of intelligence too. Because that means I'm pretty smart!!! (in a way).

It's nice to be able to think that I'm smart.

Laugh at me?

2010-09-20T23:11:00.001-07:00

To all the people who laugh behind my back or talk stuff behind my back (its not like I have somebody in mind but I'm just paranoid),

I don't give a damn what you think about me. You are the kind of people who made me into this mentally crippled man. You are pathetic piece of junk. People like you do not deserve to live on the same land that I live in. It makes me so mad when I think that I became this depressed for people who are so worthless as you are to me. What is so funny? Your jokes aren't funny. Go home and check your brain.

Okay there was this professor at my University who used to make bad jokes about me. He is a freak. He is a jerk. His jokes aren't even funny. It's just destructive to my emotion. And other people around him laughing were as much of a jerk as he is. He is a professor, damn it. And I had to take his classes for like four years. I just realised that I do blame him for what I am going through right now.

I used to really look up to him and his work before. Then my wife made me realize that he is full of it. He does not care about students at all. I used to really struggle for him, and he thinks that's the way it should be. If he sees that I am not struggling, he would make me struggle. How can that person be in such power and nobody do anything about it? Because he is good at bringing money to the school? Or because he has been there for a long time? Or are people afraid of him? Why don't anybody listen to all the students complain about him? Why does he even teach? He is so full of it.

I would fire his ass before his retirement.

Self-defense

2010-09-20T01:32:00.001-07:00

I took karate classes for like 5 years. I think I started it to gain more self-confidence in me, and to teach myself self-defense. I am scared of people and crowd, and by learning martial arts, I thought I can control some of my fear better.

I really liked karate. It has little bit of meditative aspect too which I really like. I learnt 3 styles of karate. Each had different characteristic. Last one I learnt called minakami-ryu focused a lot on breathing which I though was really therapeutic.

I kind of want to start karate again but I don't want to take classes around here because I kind of stopped going to classes without telling anyone. And I feel like all the people probably think bad of me.

I tried jyu-do, and tae kwon do too before but I like karate the most. I should start again. And maybe I can make some friends through karate.

But what I hate about all those martial arts classes is that there are girls in the same class. I don't feel comfortable to be in same class as ladies. I don't want to get in close contact with any girls other than my wife. I guess this fear comes from both my insecurity and her insecurity too.

Will I feel better if I do martial arts again? It will probably make me feel a little healthier and energetic. But taking martial arts class definitely won't make me an indefeatable man on street. It's just like learning language. Even if you take language classes twice a week, doesn't mean you will be able to speak fluently. Maybe after 20 years of continuous practice will be good.

Warning.. This post is depressing.. Don't bother reading if you don't want to get depressed..

2010-09-19T18:27:00.001-07:00

I feel numb. Everything seems so hard. I don't have energy. Typing is even too much. I'll be honest, I'm a little tired of trying so hard.

Yesterday, I had to go to a drinking party by myself. And I was anxious since the day before. It's a terrible feeling. And my friend just texted me saying lets go out for dinner sometimes. I thought everything was over then another thing like this come up. I am so tired. I feel very sorry for my wife because she's working everyday to support us. And I can't even keep up with the housework.

I've tried really hard not to get myself anxious but it's really difficult. I feel like my body is lacking in oxygen or something. It takes a lot more effort to move.

I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. Okay. I feel a little better after blogging my feeling out. I will try to be positive one more time.

I don't know why...

2010-09-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

But my energy is gone. For the past few days I've been kind of struggling not to get depressed.. I'm just running on low energy. Everything seem harder to do again. Washing one dish is once again a huge task. I don't know what happened. I missed my walk one day, but I don't think that's it. It's probably mostly because I'm worried about my brother who seems to be stealing stuff. And it seems like he still lies about stuff.

I am just so low on energy. I still have hope though. But I'm so tired. Right now, I have to go flip my pancake so that it won't burn. Hopefully I can bring myself back up to a good level again. Life has been really great these past couple of months so down time feels pretty bad. Oh well, I know this will end sometime.

Interracial Couple

2010-09-16T13:36:00.001-07:00

I am an Asian. Not even an American Asian but Asia-born-Asian. Fresh off the boat kind of Asian, who has been in the US for a little over 5 years. I look Japanese, yellow/white skin, and yes, don't forget the characteristic small eyes. I have them. I'm tall for Asians though.

On the other hand, the love of my life whom I got married to 8 months ago is African American. Yes sexy type, and gorgeous type. From beach town in New York city! She hates being called Beyonce but a lot of people called her that when she had blonde hair. But I think she is way hotter than Beyonce or any other black women who appear on TV or anywhere.

So when we walk around, some people look at us. They remember us. Some people talk to us because of who we are. So far noone has said anything offensive to us about being interracial. I think part of it is because we just look good together. We act like a good couple, and our face kind of match, and our height match perfectly.

I think that some of our issues were caused by our differences in our perspective and beliefs. But I feel like every couple has this kind of problem. Anybody whose dating a person from another state will probably experience same kind of issues as interracial couple.

So I noticed that I'm not really trying to make any point here. All I wanted to do was to brag about my sexy black wife.

Me Teaching High School Students 8 Hours a Day

2010-09-16T03:25:00.001-07:00

I teach art to highschool students part time. I am just a TA. But I am almost always on my own looking after the kids during their classes, and doing demonstrations. REALLY? Me? Ya. Sometimes I can't believe that I do this. Because of how nervous I get around people. Plus high school kids are probably the most difficult age group to deal with, and so awkward. I am very afraid of awkwardness. I worked little over 8 hours taught 3 or 4 classes. I was so exhausted afterwards. I studder so much when I talk to the students. When I do demonstrations, my words don't come out as fast as my hands move. It's just really hard for me to talk to these kids in a my second language. Oh well, talking in my first language would be even harder because I don't speak it well anymore plus I am selfconcious about speaking in it. I don't know how I got through today, but I did. And not only did I get through it fine, but I made it a great day. With highschool students, I learnt that I can't take anything personal. They are just so emotionally loaded.

I want a friend...

2010-09-14T19:40:00.001-07:00

It's so hard to make a good friend. I don't feel like I can deeply connect to anyone I have met. That's ofcourse excluding my wife. My wife and I are so close, and we both know through counseling that we need space between us sometimes. So I want to make a friend who can be a true friend to me.

But since I am out of college and I am mostly at home or at the art studio, I don't have too much chance of meeting new people. And I don't really know how I can go about making friends. I am just so awkward. I don't want to creep people out. I don't want them to mistake me as wanting gay relationship or anything. I just want a guy friend whos around my age who I can talk to and/or do sports together. But, where would I go to get one of those? Me and my wife were saying it will be good to start a matchmaking company for friends (not romantic relationship). Because I think friendship is pretty important. And I feel like I don't have any good friends right now. Well, to tell you the truth, I have never felt like I had a really truly good friend my entire life. Has anyone found a good friend like that? I would like to know.

My Coping Skill (Tricking the Brain)

2010-09-13T18:19:00.001-07:00

I am on my walk right now. I can feel that my depression is right there, it's close. But today is our 4 years anniversary and I can not ruin this day with my depression. So I went on a really long walk today and also swimed. It was kind of hard to get myself to take action. But I forced my body to do it. Went for a good swim, and I am walking back at a rather fast pace. I tend to not want to do anything and walk really slow when I am depressed, so by being active, I am trying to trick my mind that I am having a good day. It's actually working. As I walk fast, I feel like I have energy, and my mind is very positive now.

When I can't control my mood, I control my action to at least give my brain a better chance of recovery.

Today, I feel like I beat depression. I will see how the rest of the day will be. For the past couple of days anxiety and depression has been living really close by my side but I have been able to keep it down using different techniques. Okay, I'm bragging a little. Yup, I'm proud of myself.

It's time

2010-09-12T19:06:00.001-07:00

I am going to think of an idea for a new artwork. There is a juried art show coming up. Thinking about what to make brings me enormous anxiety. But I feel like I need another strong artwork to enter into that show. I have taken a few months break from trying to be an artist, and I have slowly been making a come back. But this thinking process is the part that got me screwed up. I have been working hard in the past month not to let myself do unnecessary thinking about art. But I am going to give myself a limited amount of time and think about what to make for this show. My concerns are:
I will get really anxious
I will not be able to stop thinking after the time is over
Tomorrow is our anniversary, and I don't want my mood to be bad
I will not come up with a cool idea, and I will hate myself
I will get into depression again

Okay. I blogged about it. So I feel little bit positive about doing it.

I'll give it a shot.

I am not a NEET

2010-09-11T01:28:00.000-07:00

I learnt this new word that I hear Japanese people use often, NEET (not in employment, education or training). It's one of those words Japanese people think it's from English but native English speakers don't use, I think. NEET... Sounds weird. Anyway, the word describes a person who is not working or going to school or doing house duties.

I do house work so I'm not a neet, I guess. House work is pretty hard. And there is a lot to be done. But I don't stress out about it because my wife doesn't pressure me. She just bothers me and jokes with me sometimes that she's gonna get a better house husband. But I know she's just joking so it's cool.

I learnt the word from watching this Japanese movie. It was about this business man (played by Ken Watanabe. Some may recognize him from the last samurai) getting Alzheimer's disease. There was few scenes of him acting crazy because he can't do things that normal people can, and he thought that his was causing too much trouble for him wife by being alive. He just gets so violent and screaming and crying on the floor. Then my wife who was watching the movie with me started crying. She said that the scene reminded her of me in the past. Yah. I'm realizing once again that I was pretty messed up at one point (one loong point). I felt very helpless that I left her with such a traumatic memory and I can't do anything about it. Well, at least I have never put a hand on her in a violent way. I was just violent to things and just emotionally very unstable. I was even surprised to myself. I didn't know that I had such strong emotions within me. It just burst out that time and I could not control it. My housemates must have heard me from the room. I cried like I was a crazy person. So loud and violent and hysterical and off. Out of my mind, completely. I was actually really surprised myself that I had that kind of side to me. It was traumatic for me too.

So here is to my wife,

My love, all I can do now is say sorry. I am almost certain that that kind of stuff won't happen in the future ever. And I want to say that my depression should go away in a few years. But I have no guarantee about anything right now. And it makes me feel like I want say sorry to you again and again but I will instead not say it again and just live my life with you now. I know that's the right direction I am going. I must say you are the most wonderful gift I have ever received. The good thing is that most of our problems are solved through our hard work, and we now have the power to control our life. I am looking forward to my life with you, and I hope you are too.

Here I Stand...

2010-09-08T23:08:00.001-07:00

Here I stand.. In the middle of this grass field ... under this infinite dark night sky...stearing at the stars.. Contemplating to the sound of.. Hmmm... the public bus.. Oh no wait... I mustn't be distracted. Okay okay how about to the sound of... Uhh.. Gosh .. The traffic is so LOUD!

That's how my daily walk is going these days

My Coping Skill (its okay even if I agreed, I can say no later)

2010-09-08T22:48:00.001-07:00

I get really nervous around people. I am scared of just everyday oridinary conversation with people I know.

In the past, when I talked to people, the things that I said did not necessarily match with my real voice inside me. I would say okay to something that is really really not okay. I messed us up, and I messed me up. And I was mad at me for who I was. Terribly mad, and I always beat myself down when I couldn't be strong enough for me and us.

Then one day my therapist taught me a trick. The trick that made some things easier for me to deal with. It's a simple technique. Just tell them later that I can't do whatever I agree on. Just shoot an email or give a phone call. Tell them that I can't go. Or ask them to reschedule to another day. Accept the fact that I am not good at decision making around people, and accept the fact that I am a person who needs to take extra steps to get what I really want. And stop beating myself down.

This helped a lot. I don't know why it was so hard for me to say in an email, "oh sorry, I actually had something scheduled on that day. Could we do it some other day?"

Now I still do get nervous around people, but I have my own skills. And I accept the fact that I am Just Another Person.

Where are you from?

2010-09-06T20:35:00.001-07:00

When people ask me where I'm from, I say I'm from hong kong. I was born there and I lived there for 16 years so I think I deserve to say that. Both my parents are japanese, and so am I. I do not speak the local language of Hong Kong, so if I go back there, I will feel just like a tourist.
So, do I consider Japan my home country? Heck, no. I've never actually lived there, although I've visited there a couple dozen times.
I wish I could speak either English or Japanese fully. I mean I speak both pretty well but with my low self confidence, I always feel ashamed and self conscious about my "not perfect" language skills. I am jealous of those who can write and speak well. I want to take a creative writing course or something. I think I will eventually.

My Coping Skill (Red Stop Sign for the Obsessive Thought)

2010-09-04T05:51:00.001-07:00

One new technique that I learnt through my thrapist is to imagine a red stop sign when I catch myself getting into obsessive thinking. Obsessive thinking can bring unnecessary anxiety and cause stress and depression. Thinking/worrying about stuff can consume me and take control over my life.
At some point of my life, I worried about stuff for days in a row, and almost everything I see with my eyes were a trigger for another obsessive thinking/worrying. Everything just overwhelmed me and I could not stop relating everything to anything I can worry about.

So this technique that I learnt is so amazing to me. And what's most amazing about it is that it's been working and it's been helping me.

So here is what I do, I first tell myself "stop" (i say it out loud when there is no one around me) and try to stop my snowballing thinking process. Usually the thought just pops right back to my mind, so I say stop again, and do it again and again. And when I say stop, I visualize an image of a red stop sign, facing towards me, right infront of my forehead. It's really really difficult to stop your thinking pattern, and my therapist said it's really hard too. But IT IS POSSIBLE to stop the obsessive thinking with a lot of practice. The worry and the thought just comes right back, and I usually have to keep saying stop or imagine the red sign for a while. But the key is to catch yourself thinking fast, and keep saying stop.

I tried this these couple of weeks. I tried pretty hard at first. Then now, I don't even get into that kind of deep thinking state. I am free of worrying too much. And I don't have to use this method for too long.

That's so nice.

Unpredictable sadness

2010-09-03T01:54:00.001-07:00

My day was great. But for some reason I have a little bit of sad feeling within me. Today I went to the appointment with my therapist and realized that I have been out of depression this past two weeks pretty much. And it was my first time to ever tell my therapist that I currently have no concerns or worries. I was really happy to be able to say that.

To me, it seems like happiness and sadness always come after another. Well, actually it's more like sadness comes after happiness, and then there is no guarantee that happiness will be back anytime soon. I have this feeling that if I get happy too much, sadness will appear out of nowhere afterward. So sometimes I am cautious about being too happy. I wish I can just be as happy as I can. I feel like if I get happy too much, I get tired or something and there is always a down time waiting for me. It's like I am always trying to be happy and stay happy, and I get tired of being happy.

Am I just a person filled with sadness? When I was a kid, I always had this feeling that I wanted something else. Like, I was missing something. For a while, I thought that was a girl friend. But now that I have a wife, and I have a life full of everything I wanted to have, I know that it's my brain that's acting weird.

I am brave for being a coward..

2010-08-31T14:09:00.001-07:00

I think about all those times when I wanted to just quit my life, and I feel that I was a coward for being afraid of the pain. But I think carefully again, and I decided to think that I am a brave person for choosing to live.

My worst suicide attempt was probably me standing off the rail of 3 stories high balcony. It's funny because it most likely wouldn't have killed me. I wouldve probably got a twisted ankle or something. I wasn't thinking straight that time I guess.

I really hate pain. I have enough emotional pain already. I don't want any physical pain. At all.

At one point of my life, I felt like I was living for other people. I felt like I would just make other people sad if I died. And I felt that I wasn't even worth dying. Now, I think about that kind of stuff and I feel like, MAN! I was sad.....

Writing about this reminds me how much I want this better life.
Funny, this blog was actually going to be me complaining that I am tired of trying so hard everyday staying on top of depression. But instead, I made myself switch my mind and be positive again.

I would have to say that I am controlling my mood better than ever. Thanks for all your support.
And thanks to my lovely angel for being there for me.

That was fast..

2010-08-29T20:51:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I had a great day. And I was hoping that this will last. In fact I was pretty confident that I can make it last for at least a few days.

But this morning when I went to the studio. It turns out that the most important equipment is malfunctioning. And guess who was the last person to use it?? Yup, me. I used it on friday. And so I was overwhelmed by guilt. And because it's an equipment used for teaching dozens of students so it's kind of a big deal. Did I cause the equipment failure??? Maybe... Probably... But I didn't really tell them anything. So I feel guilty.

So I decided to go out to the beach and swim for a while to clear off my mind. And I saw this one girl who looks like (or it was possibly her) somebody I didn't want to see. She is from this group of girls my wife hates very much. During my 1st year in college, I hung out with those girls but not anymore. Anytime I see any of them it brings me enormous anxiety. And I hate seeing them and I hate them. I got really afraid to go anywhere. So I am just sitting under this big tree where there is less traffic. I have to go pick up my wife in ten minutes so I better start walking. But right now everything around me scares me. I got afraid of the world again. But at least I'm not afraid to say that I am afraid like I was before.

My Coping Skill (Live one day at a time..)

2010-08-29T10:56:00.001-07:00

I started this "My Coping Skill" section of my blog to keep track of all the little things I do to stay on top of depression, and to share this with other people who may be able to gain something out of it.

Yes, I now live one day at a time. I don't have weekly schedule. I have daily schedule. I'm not sure if that make sense. I have daily tasks and appointments, and what comes after today isn't my problem. It's a problem for me tomorrow but not me today. If I live this way, my life is a lot more manageable and I have hope that I can live the day with positive attitude.

I tend to be a worry freak. I worry all the time about every single thing I can worry about. My future, people, money, time.... And it gets way too overwhelming. So I have been practicing not to worry anything that happens past that day. I think I am getting better at it.

If anyone has any coping method that they do and wouldn't mind sharing it, I would like to know what other people do to fight depression.

Thanks for reading.

Nice day off..

2010-08-29T00:01:00.001-07:00

Today was our day off. Well, it really my wife's day off. I don't really have a job. But I just took a rest from being an artist. Day off can be a scary day for me because there is a lot of spare time and I never know what my mood is going to be for the day. I usually feel a little pressure to make a happy face for my wife, and I always feel guilty when I am all sad and depressed because I feel like I ruined her day.

But today was a wonderful day, ending our day with a good solid workout at the gym. I am actually doing the cycling machine now.

Lets see. What did we do today. I cooked this awesome tasting cabbage stirfry and sausages. We started our day with garlic baby corn fried rice that was left over from yesterday. That was super tasty too. I painted her toe nail. She cried because she was so appreciative of me being happy today and today being such a good day. That was pretty nice and touching. I cleaned the room, and washed some dishes. So the room doesn't look too bad. And I did my daily walk on the beach. And I'm working out now. I did arms today and they are pumped up. I don't want to get buff but I want to get muscle cuts.

Anyway, today was a great day. I hope tomorrow is too. I went on a walk to the beach every morning this week (following what my therapist told me to do). And I am proud of myself.

Too anxious to work..

2010-08-25T16:34:00.001-07:00

I just went to the art studio. But I came right back because I got too anxious for some reason. Maybe it's because the door was opened and it seemed like there were some people working. I can't quite figure out why but I'm at home laying down on bed now.

I hate being around people. I hate being around anybody who is not my wife. Even my younger brother and my parents. I am lucky that I have my wife whom I can deeply connect to and I don't have to be afraid to be around her.

I am debating if I should try to go back there again in the afternoon. Because I really want to make art. And starting tomorrow the studio is going to get way busier. I don't want to go there again and get too anxious to work because it's such a waste of time. I guess I will see how I feel later on.

I feel like I am going to get depressed soon. Or maybe I am already? What should I do? Should I sleep? Or watch tv? I'm trying so hard not to get depressed. Like, I went on a walk this morning by the beach and I walked along the water. The water felt so nice and it was very calming. I thought I have the energy to go work on my art but somehow I feel like I was defeated.

Gosh! When am I going to get better? I'm tired of being like this already.

Sorry if this post was depressing.

Do exercise at least 20 mins everyday..

2010-08-24T11:31:00.001-07:00

In this week's session with my therapist, we made up weekly task for me to do (since I have a lot more free time from not having a full-time job). Out of all the things I have to do, going on a walk or doing some sort of exercise on a daily basis has the top priority. I am actually in the middle of my morning walk. Getting some sun on the bench by the canal. It's nice to just get out of the room and get some fresh air. My wife kind of kicked me out because she knows that I should go do my walk first thing in the morning. And plus I think she wanted to sleep more, so it would be better if I was gone because I would be restless once I wake up.

Anyway, for the past two days, I have been going to the gym with my wife. It's really good. It gives me energy in general. I hope I can continue this routine as long as I can. And I hope I get out of depression. I really do. And I'm working hard everyday, so I don't see why not. Right now I have hope.

Don't watch TV too long. TV is my drug..

2010-08-24T03:26:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure if I like watching TV. I really want to watch silly shows and movies, but after I turn off the TV, I get flooded by anxiety and my body gets very numb. I probably like watching TV because I can escape from the real world, and be engaged in the TV world. When I had my last depressive episode, I used to turn on the TV so loud, so that I can't hear anything from the real world, and just lay down and watch TV for a loong time. My therapist said that is my addiction. I realised that it's not that I like watching TV so much, it's just that I want to escape from my world and my obsessive thoughts. TV was just a distraction, and I liked being distracted so that I don't have to face my life.

My therapist said moderation of watching TV is healthy for enjoying and relaxing, but too much of it is not good. So since then, I try not to watch tv for too long at a time. She said TV is like drugs for me. But if I were to abuse drugs or TV, then choose TV, she said. That was kind of funny.

By the way, I went to watch inception with my wife. It was a good movie but it gave me anxiety. (dont read the rest of the post if you haven't watched inception yet, and you would like to watch it) When they died in their dreams few times in a row, it reminded me that I get a similar feeling when I have panic attacks. I felt really weird afterwards. But it was fun.

I thought I was all better

2010-08-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

I had almost a month of depression free days, but I guess it's not that easy to get rid of my depression completely. I still experience anxiety and slight depression. Maybe it's from me getting involved in art again. Art is my passion and I get this big adrenaline rush type feeling when I am making stuff. And I learnt that I usually crash after having that adrenaline rush. So I discussed with my therapist this week and decided that I will only make art two days a week (only few hours each day). Hopefully this strategy will allow me to continue my passion and pursuit my dream without becoming too anxious and crazy.

My Coping Skill (Don't Answer Calls from Unknown Caller)

2010-08-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

I never answer any calls when it shows on my phone "Unknown Caller". I also don't answer calls from people who I don't want to talk to. I hope I don't piss anybody off by sharing this life strategy of mine because, for people who are trying to reach me through phone, I'm sure it gets annoying. But this is a great strategy for me because I get really nervous and anxious on the phone. To avoid myself from agreeing to anything, I use alternate mode of communication such as texting, email, and voice mail/returning call after.

In fact, I just used this technique just now. My old boss called and I didn't answer. She left a voice message and asked if I can work for her tonight because they need a japanese speaking person. I got to listen to the voice message with my wife and get back to her emotionally prepared and I could get what I want.

I just woke up from...

2010-08-18T10:25:00.001-07:00

...this terrible nightmare. It was really bad. All of our family were getting hunted and killed. The image is still in my mind. So I'm trying to blog and forget about it.

I've been having a lot of dreams recently. Good ones and bad ones. Maybe it's because I do physical labor these days during the day? My body is aching from working. I feel like now my depression is better, but my sleep isn't good. I wake up early in the morning. Sometimes I can't goto sleep at night. It's not too bad though. It's possibly because of all the adrenaline from working physical labor doing what I like do to. Since I quit my job, I have become a house husband and back to being an artist. I've worked the past few days working on my art and made so much progress. I have some work ready so I will drop it off at my gallery today. That should give us some extra cash that we need. I am so happy and grateful that I have passion for something and that I can pursue my passion. Grateful for my wife for working hard for us. She makes a lot of money doing sales. She is very good at it. I am not good at sales I think. Come on, I have social anxiety according to my therapist. I'm affraid of people and I really don't want to talk to customers. How can I be good at sales?

Anyway, ah! So happy because now I have the happy feeling back again. No sad feeling from the nightmare. I really like blogging. It's a great tool when I want to forget something.

Don't make a list of things to do

2010-08-15T02:52:00.001-07:00

I used to looove making to-do lists. But now it's actually one of the things that I don't do anymore. I don't make to-do lists because I realized that I can never get to the bottom of my to-do list. Before I felt that I have to crossout all the things on the list. So sometimes I would do the less urgent/important things first so that they don't get left undone. During my college years I made so many to-do lists, and I have accomplished so many great things. But I really wore myself down. I was depressed as ever, not taking care of myself well enough. The thing about to-do list is that there is always couple of things on the list that doesn't get done. And it frustrates the heck out of you. So I just decided not to make one anymore. Whatever I get through that day is fine with me. I put my health and emotional health in first priority and keep reminding myself to take breaks. If I take care of one or two major task per day, my life should go just fine. The little things can be done if needed. So I choose to go to the beach rather than do something that's not THAT important. Happiness is my priority now.

My Coping Skill (Save that last bite for tomorrow morning)

2010-08-15T02:16:00.001-07:00

I love to eat. When I am full, I feel happy. So lot of time I feel like I want to eat everything on the plate, and let myself be really full. But when I have depression, I chose not to eat that last bit of dinner and save it for the next day breakfast. Cooking takes energy and time, and when I am depressed I can not cook. And if I don't cook and eat, I have no energy and I feel miserable. Having a small portion of food in the morning, ready to be microwaved, is really good because I can usually manage to microwave something and eat it. And having something (even a little bit of food) in my body in the morning helps me get energy to make some breakfast and start out my day.

My Coping Skill (Have my wife kick me off the bed)

2010-08-15T01:58:00.001-07:00

When I get depressed, it is hard for me to get out of bed. I feel like my sleep was really deep sleep, and my body kind of feels tired from sleeping too deeply. One thing that I learnt through counseling is that whenever it feels difficult to wake up, I have to force myself to get up. My wife really understand my depression and sometimes she kicks me off the bed when I am having a hard time getting up. It's more like pushing off nicely with her feet. And having that extra push really helps me. I get pushed off the bed, and I have no choice but to stand up. And if I am standing up, I can usually go take a shower or find something to eat to energize my body.

I had many good days that started out from a kick from my wife in the morning. Sometimes that extra push is really helpful.

Do you think you are an awkward person?

2010-08-12T04:46:00.001-07:00

I wonder how many percentage of the people think that they are awkward.

I am awkward when it comes to dealing with people. I used to be very ashamed of myself for being such an awkward person. But I found out through counceling that it's okay to be awkward, and that many other people are awkward too. So I decided not to make things my fault, and I like myself better now. Recently, I've been wondering if a lot of people actually think they are awkward. Because I've started to notice a lot of people who are awkward. I think there is nothing wrong with being awkward. Social interaction is generally a scary thing for me and I think that's my main reason for being awkward. Okay I think I used the word awkward too many times. When I write my blog, I just write down everything in my mind so it might get boring or confusing sometimes. And I am not trying to make a point or anything, I just want to write down my thoughts. (since I'm having insomnia again tonight) (and yes, I am blogging in the dark again..)

Anyway, my counselor told me that I have social anxiety. I don't really know exactly what that means. I should research one of these days. But I do know that I get anxiety from being around people, and maybe that's what it means? I am afraid of offending somebody, or causing a situation. I get exhausted being around people. When I was a kid, lot of my classmates called each other and went over to eachother's houses and did sleepover and stuff, but I didn't like doing that stuff and I hardly went to other people's house. I just have the feeling that I can not relate to other people, and I don't know what to talk about. I think I like people though. So that's good. Three months ago when I was really depressed, I hated people.

I shouldn't fear other people. Because I will do much better at talking once I get rid of my fear. But it's not like I can just tell myself to stop being afraid, and stop being afraid. I wish it was that easy.

I wanna scream out loud.. I am afraid of people!!!

That would probably feel good

Life is good. Yup, it's good.

2010-08-11T18:14:00.001-07:00

I quit my sales person job more than a week ago, and I have started my new stage of life as a house husband. Everything seems to be going great so far. I cook three meals per day and do dishes, laundry and cleaning the room. I don't have to go to work everyday and get panic attack before work. I don't have to see people I don't want to see. My wife is happy. I do exercise regularly. I am tanned from going to the beach. My wife got a new job which is a higher paying job. And the good thing about that is I can get on her new insurance and that will allow me to continue going to therapy sessions as well as sessions with my psychiatrist. My room is clean, and I am eating good food everyday!

Although my life is perfect right now, and I can't wish for any more, I still do have slight unsatisfied feeling in the corner of my mind, and I still am trying hard not to fall into depression and let my sadness take over me. I am scared that something bad will happen and I will feel depressed in no time. I also feel that I am just convincing myself that I am not depressed and trying to stay really happy for my wife. I am a little tired at this point of trying to stay on top of things.

Although I am a house husband, I do have things that stress me out. Like, my brother who just moved to USA to attend college. He actually moved really close to me because he couldn't keep up with going to college by himself in Las Vegas last year. So for the past couple of weeks I have been helping him with starting out his life here in the US. I have to admit that I have a lot of worries about him and is driving me slightly crazy. But I don't want to discuss with my wife about my worries about him because I don't want her to be stressed out, and I think she doesn't like me worring about him. So I am just waiting for my next week's appointment with my therapist to get this feeling out of me. My brother is sometimes suicidal and I think he is depressed and his English is not as good as mine. So I worry about him.

Another thing that I am worried about is I am starting to become active as an artist again. One reason why I became a house husband is so that I can focus more on making art, and making money that way. I was taking a break from trying to become an artist for a few months because it gave me too much anxiety. Working hard, thinking of good ideas, working with people, meeting deadlines...it all became too stressful for me at one point. And I just had to take a break from it. I am getting anxious from thinking about art again. I just have to not think too much and just do things, but I don't know if I can.

I really hate getting anxious. For me it's not really painful, but it is just very discomforting. And I feel panicky. I absolutely hate it.

So I decided to take things slowly still. I am going to start practice making art starting tomorrow but I am going to limit it to just couple of hours per day at first. So that I don't get overwhelmed. I entered a piece to an art show today! It's a juried show so I will see if I get in. It was a nest made out of one thousand paper cranes with a blown glass shell inside it. I folded all the paper cranes. It took so long. I hope it gets accepted.

So I am taking small steps at a time. Getting back to the life that I want to live. And so far it's working so I won't let myself discourage me.

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi

Blogging in the Dark

2010-08-09T04:44:00.001-07:00

I blog using my phone because my wife and I don't have a computer at our place. I am blogging now, laying on my bed, and in total darkness because my beautiful wife is already asleep next to me. I haven't had too much problem going to sleep since I started taking this anxiety/insomnia medication (lorazepam), but tonight my brain is so awake. I can feel that I won't be going to sleep for at least another hour. So I decided to blog in the dark and try to relax my brain.

I usually get insomnia when I am thinking a lot of things. The snowball effect never ends in my brain once it starts. I try to stop it but most of the time I allow my brain to take control over me. Being not able to sleep isn't fun because I can't wake up the next morning, and I tend to do a lot of unnecessary worrying and it affects my mood a lot on the following days.

Blogging when I can't sleep is new to me but it's a great strategy to distract my thoughts from worries and negative feelings.

Anyway, my dear friends of the unknown internet universe, how was your day? Lets see if I can talk about something nice so that I can fall asleep with a happy feeling tonight.

My wife and I met on the street at our University. That was 3 years and 11 months ago. Wow, time pass by so quick. We are both 24, and the day I met my wife for the first time was my happiest day of my life. She is an amazing woman who is beautiful both on the inside and outside. She is actually smoking hot. I am so grateful to be her husband. She always teases me about her being the one to ask my phone number, and she tells that story to everybody. I always fight back by saying "but I called her the next day!" but the backbone of our family (between me and her) is probably her. She takes care of me. Starting tomorrow I am going to be a house husband. I love her so much and I highly doubt that this feeling will fade or change. That day that we met, we instantly were attracted by one another, and we started talking to eachother like we knew eachother before. It happened unexpectedly on a random crosswalk, and it changed my life completely. I am now completely new and better person. I wish that this can happen to everyone. Love is such a great feeling. Although it can be painful a lot of times, my love with her is worth every trouble.

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi

About Me... (2)

2010-08-08T02:32:00.000-07:00

Hi, it's me again. Just a random person blogging in this vast internet universe.

I am a real man and this blog is where I write down my most true thoughts and feelings. I am writing my truest feeling to you, the anonymous readers of the world of internet, and I do not expect anything in return. This is another one of my coping methods of keeping myself out of depression.

I'm not exactly sure since when I had depression. It probably started sometime during the childhood, and by the time I was a university student, the depression kind of started to take control over my life.

Coming from Japanese culture, I wasn't very open to seeking medical help at first. But my girlfriend at the time, now my beautiful wife, strongly encouraged me, and I slowly began going to appointments with university counselors. I have had more than 5 different therapist since then, and I have even opened up to taking medication along with the talk therapy. I have experienced the worst kind of feelings that I can imagine having in this past months and years. At this point of my life, I am past the stage where I lost all of my hope for everything, and I am recovering and starting to feel a tiny amount of light and warmth within myself.

This journey that I am on, is called life, and in this journey, I have to keep moving. I've learnt through therapy that when it is hard to get out of bed, I have to make myself get out of bed. Whenever I catch myself having racing thoughts and just being a blank person, I have to take actions to stop it. When I have a panic attack, I first, be aware that I am having one, and imagine some place nice and focus on my breathing. I am getting more and more exercise in. I am eating healthy. My sleep is good, thanks to the medication (lorezapam). When I start to get a sad feeling for no reason, I change what I am doing and try to disengage myself from the negativity.

I actually had this unknown sadness feeling within me while I was trying to sleep tonight. I don't know where the sadness is from or what it's about. I had the most beautiful and joyful day with my wife today, and the day was so full and perfect. I didn't have any reason for me to get sad, so I figured it's probably my brain that is doing the work, and I decided to blog!

Now, after writing this relatively long blog I feel kind of sleepy and not too sad.. And I think I can give another shot in trying to fall asleep.

Well, if I succeed, goodnight my anonymous readers!

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi

going out

2010-07-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

I kind of have a fear of going outside. And I now have a new specific fear about going outside. People walking towards me from the front and trying to block my way. One day when I was walking, I saw somebody walk toward me from infront of me. I try to look on the ground when I am walking because my wife and I had problems from me looking at other girls when I walk. So I didn't see who it was. I tried to move to the otherside and she moved to the same side as me. I tried to move again and she blocked me again so I finally look up and see that it was one of my coworker. This girl said just kidding or something and then poked in my stomach and went. Since me and my wife have some problem about me and other girls, this was enough to stress me in great deal, and this was actually right around the starting point for my last depressive episode. I felt like the it's the end of the world. Things like this makes me not want to go outside. I had another terrible incident where a total stranger approached me in a similar way at night and blocked me. This older guy, he came really close to me. So I was like what? And then I pushed him away from me. Then he punched me in my face. I just left after that. And today, again, I was put into a similar situation. On a crosswalk crossing and I was typing on my phone being depressed looking down. Then I saw in the corner of my eye this guy walking towards me changed direction so that he is exactly infront of me. He looked very shady to me. And I immediately had a panicky feeling. Than I put my phone in my pocket and moved away from him. Right when he was passing me he turned his body to look backwards. His arm almost touched me. It seemed like he was planning to snatch my phone out of my hand. I was in shockfor a little bit and I am still in shock.

last day of work

2010-07-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

today was my last day of work. Starting tomorrow I am not working. And tomorrow is my wife's birthday. I am anxious. I do not have to do anything but to make my food and make my wife's food. She is still working. I told her that I will make her food. I had three hours to do it, and I couldn't make her food. I just made my food. I feel slightly like it's the end of the world. Yes, that feeling that I have been experiencing lately. I feel guilty, and I feel like I am very selfish. I feel like I am just pretending that I am depressed and I am just a selfish person who did not make any food for my wife who is working right now, having her birthday tomorrow and making her own cake tonight because I didn't have the energy to prepare a cake, continuing to work to financially support both of us and so on. That sentence didn't really make sense but I don't care. My mood swing just drives me crazy. I got up the bed a few times to try to cook. But I couldn't actually do it. I made my own food though! And I feel full. My plan was to get myself full first so that I can get energy to cook her food because I got too hungry and felt weak. I don't have work starting tmr! And I am already feeling like this. I have a feeling that I will have fun tmr though. I feel like the party is going to be a blast. I have to make it a blast. I couldn't give her good birthdays in the past because of my problems so I have to do better this time. I am just going to suck it up and be alright. Oh well, I couldn't cook her dinner or bring the cake ingredients to her dads house for us to cook later or buy her birthday gift, but at least I am here at her work to pick her up. I didn't come by car though. I walked. So I have to make my wife walk if her dad is not picking her up. But at least, I came here. I should be proud of myself. Because she will be happy to see me.

me first

2010-07-31T15:50:00.000-07:00

I learnt through counseling that taking care of yourself is an important thing. I have really low self-esteem and treating myself good wasn't something that I was used to doing but ever since I met my wife things started changing. Like she bought me nice clothes that fits my body and nice wallet, nice cell phone. I became to treat myself better. Sometimes I forget about saving money and treat myself a nice meal. Good food makes me really happy. So buying myself food that I want to eat is an important thing to me. I like my lifestyle now. It is new and improved. I also learnt the importance of taking breaks. In school, I used to work everyday and night on art projects. But my counselor told me I should take more breaks. Ever since then I try to take at least one day off per week. And do something that I enjoy like going to the beach or for a walk. I think I am doing a great job at staying on top of things. Everything seems to be going according to plan. It has only been like two month since I had my last major depressive episode. I would like to stay on top of things and feel this good all the time.

panic attack

2010-07-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

I am having a mild panic attack right now, and I really hate this feeling. I wanted to blog because I thought it might distract me from it. Lets talk about something fun. I think it's amazing that some penguins slide on their stomach and slide really fast to move. I like animals, insects and fish. When I get depressed I go on a leisurly walk and the last time I went on one, I walked along this canal near my apaertment. I saw this crab hide into a crack in the concrete so I got a very thin plant material and poked the crab. I bothered him a little bit by putting the plant thing in between his claws. He would grab it and push it away from him. Sorry crab for bothering but it was pretty funny and therapeutic.

about me

2010-07-30T03:35:00.000-07:00

I am 24 years old Japanese male. Who has a beautiful wife who is going to be the same age as me in a few days. I was born and raised in Asia but never in japan. I spoke japanese at home and at school. But I changed to english speaking school when I got to middle school and started learning english. As a kid, I was very shy and soft spoken. Now I am too. In high school I started to wonder why I can't remember a lot of things or why I can not concentrate. I consulted my math teacher once about my lack of concentration because during exam and stuff I would read a question over and over again and I still couldn't understand what I was reading. My teacher suggested me to chew gums and said it might help my concentration.

in college, I worked hard on art projects art was something that I was passionate about. And my grades weren't bad at all and I received a letter inviting me to become an honors student. Being an honors student is not about being smart or anything but it surely required tons of commitment and hard work to graduate being one. I consulted my instructor if I should go ahead and do this honors thing. He asked me if I was sleeping more than 5 hours a day, and he said is I am then I am sleeping too much. So I took this jerk's advice seriously and went through with the honors thing. I didn't get much sleep as a result and my body was a wrech after graduating from overworking and stress.

old file cabinet

2010-07-30T02:21:00.000-07:00

recently, I haven't been having any insomnia. Probably the medication is helping me. If anyone wants to know it's called lorezopam or something. It's a prescribed medication and you can't drink any alcoholic beverages while on the medication. I don't know why but today I can not goto sleep. It's been past an hour since the light was turned off in our room and I am keep wiggling. And my wife is sleeping next to me. I started thinking about art again. ( my dream is to become an artist but I was giving myself some time off from pursuing that dream because it was causing me too much stress) it felt like I opened an old file cabinet and looking through each folders each documents for something I was looking for. Once my snowballing thinking process starts it is very difficult for me to disengage from it. So I asked my wife if it was okay to blog now, and here I am in the middle of the night blogging my feeling. It feels great to blog though. I am enjoying the feeling of expressing myself. Putting my feeling in words is a good thing for me because my thoughts are often mixed up and confusing. I do want other people to comment on my blog because I am curious to hear what others have to say about my nonesense blog. But right now I do feel like I am mostly writing to myself. And I am liking it.

2010-07-28T20:58:00.001-07:00

Promote my blog

sunny day sunny mind

2010-07-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

I love sunshine. I live close to the beach and today is my day off. What a beautiful day outside today. When things seem so happy and great, what I have to keep in mind is that I have to keep my feeling under control and not get too excited. Otherwise, I will get too tired by the time noon comes around. So today I am going to take my life easy and slow, and I will be just going along with the flow. I have to do a at least a minimum amount of exercise to stay emotionally on track. Right now my feeling is as light as a bird flying in the clear blue sky. But who knows what may happen in the next five minutes, so I have to brace myself for any upcoming unfortunate event.

my favorite time of the day

2010-07-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

is right about now. 10:15pm. Or little later even. It's when I'm almost done with work. When I go home my lovely wife is waiting for me. Sometimes naked. And I get to be the king of the night. Or just a sad homeless man , depending on how the night is going. Me and my wife used to have a lot of problem and used to fight a lot when we were still boyfriend and girlfriend. but we overcame a lot of our issues and now we are close to having a perfect relationship. Well, at least, that's what I think the case is now.... Anyway, when I go home and lay down next to my wife and be silly and do nothing but relax and talk stories of the day, I feel like I am living a life! This is life! Too bad we only get to have this kind of moments only for about half an hour to an hour a day. But hey, at least I have something to look forward to. I am a lucky guy. I shouldn't even be depressed this much. However the reality is I do get depressed and I am a sad little man with a beautiful wife who still works eight hours a day 5 days a week.

by the way my readers, i am quitting my job in a few days. how is that huh? i dont know. to tell u the truth im a little scared...

8 hour anxiety marathon...

2010-07-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

I work full time as a sales person. But I get very anxious from being around people. Today my boss and her son was around for the whole time I was there so it was extra stressfull. I try very hard to speak to people but some days I just cannot get in the mood of talking to people. I am afraid. I speak very soft. A lot of times people can't hear me. And they just walk right past me, and I actually feel better off when people do that. I don't want people to stop and talk to me. And that is why I am quitting this job in a few days . I gave my notice a month ago. It just doesn't make sense for someone like me to have a sales person position. Me equals quitting this job makes a perfect equation. But when I add the fact that me and my wife are struggling with even paying the rent, things don't make sense as much. But today was just a totally tiring day. I would try to talk to someone and I can't so instead I would straighten some things. And I kept straightening things today. How many times do I have to straighten things until the end of an eight hour shift? I think it's a lot. It drives me crazy sometimes. But sometimes I feel comfortable doing it. I tell myself not to go there and fix that towel because it is straight, and yet, still go there smiling at the customers , to fit those damn straight towels. I was out of my comfort zone today because I knew they were listening to what I was saying. And now after this 8 hour anxiety marathon, my back is really painful from stress and it's killing me. This is why I don't want to go to work or go out in general.

goodnight

my life is perfect

2010-07-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

except I get depressed and anxious. My childhood was great. I grew up in asia and my parents are the most understanding and supporting parents ever. I had lot of fun growing up. I am not fat or ugly. In fact lot of people tell me that I am good looking. I graduated from a decent university with high honor. Although english is my second language, I can speak it pretty good now, and I work and live speaking it. The most wonderful thing that happened to me was meeting my wife. I love her so much, and she is so gorgeous and kind and caring. She is everything a man can wish for. I got engaged to her at the most beautiful place on earth and got married half a year ago.i am now living and working in a tropical place where many people come seeking relaxation and fun. I am still 24 years old. i have a dream and i know what i want to do in life. i am tall. i am bilingual. i have a younger brother whom i love. im not a dumb person. but i still tend to get depressed

I started this blog because

2010-07-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

well, first of all I have a job that is so boring and I wanted to do something that will occupy my mind. when i dont do stuff i tend to think a lot of random things. lot of the times , those thoughts are worries and i just get anxious and depressed from thinking usually. snowball effect. thats what my counselors described it as. i tend to do alot of things like fidget to distract myself from my thinking process. anyway, i want this blog to be somewhere i can express my feeling freely and say whatever i have in my mind. i read online today that expressing your thoughts is good for people with depression so that was another reason why i decided to start this. i dont really expect anyone to learn anything or feel anything about this blog. it is just a blog by another person who is struggling from depression.

but thanks for reading.